songwriters' lounge

[guitars247]

here a while back I posted the lyrics to my song cloudburst.....thanks btw to all for the kind comments.....here is a demo of the song

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/song...songID=4060675

comments, criticism, and what not are welcome....

[chuckocaster]

this is one i wrote awhile ago and forgot about til today when i found it flipping thru my notebook.

a picture of virtue (what i'm calling it for now)

how much longer, must we make the same mistakes?
playing games for eachother, trying to save face
we're not so different, we guard eachothers' hearts
it's harder to be pushed away, than torn apart

the birds pecked out the eyes of a cat, that's not yet dead
he lied dying in my drive, til i put a bullet in his head
i wait for the pictures, you promised to send
the sun's going down now, will it rise again?

you're trying to paint a picture of virtue
but the colors are starting to blur
and that's who you always were
untrue

a cool wind blows thru the screen, and i still have you on my mind
i wait here on the porch, cause all i have is time
we're not so different, we guard eachother's hearts
it's harder to be pushed away, than torn apart

[Gravity Jim]

man, that's bleak, chuck.

I dug this out of a drawer this morning. It sounds like an Randy Newman song.

I would have loved knowing S.J. Perelman
I could have talked to him all night long
Sipping old Scotch
Sitting on the patio
He'd tell me a story and I'd sing him a song

I'd have a crush on Dorothy Parker
Sneaking out for lunch at the Algonquin Hotel
I would have loved hanging out with Perelman...
Boy, that woulda been swell.

[chuckocaster]

i love newman!

dig those lyrics buddy.

[NeoFauve]

we're not so different, we guard eachother's hearts
it's harder to be pushed away, than torn apart

I've read this a few times now, chucko.
Yeah, it's bleak, but damn... this is really good.

I don't know what you have in mind for a melody, but in the chorus, I might be inclined to leave "untrue" out.

"you're trying to paint a picture of virtue
but the colors are starting to blur
and that's who you always were
untrue"

You may really need it to nail things together, meterwise, in the melody.

With the "trying" and "blur-ring," and even going back to the "pushed away" you're describing a gradual decay, things aren't quite what they once seemed.
To me, that's where the power of it is.
"Untrue" seems too definitive.

Again, I'm just sitting here like a dumbass, reading the lyrics. "Untrue" might be the exact right move once the song is a aural thing.

But I dig it.
It really crept up and grew on me with repeated readings.

[chuckocaster]

thanks neo,

what i'm starting to figure out is that i need to post recordings with my lyrics. i've been told that the way i sing and put words together is "off" from the norm, or what others would do.

i get what you're saying about the "untrue" being out of place. and i think you hit upon what i was going for. i wrote that song about someone i had a relationship with, hoping it was going to turn out, it not, us still being cival enough to be cival to eachother, but me now realizing that is was going to be bad from the beginning, even though we knew eachother (going into the relationship) pretty well.

here is a new one for you all. i'm finding myself turning more and more into "the boss", and that's weird for me. nothing against the guy, i respect him a lot, but i don't much care for his music. the lyrics might not convey this turn, but whenever i play my newer songs they remind me of him

knock down, drag out (working title)

i put myself down long ago
it was easier than trying to let go
and you, you're the same
you'd rather act the fool, than play their game
that's you, and that's me
we live outside of society
cause it's hard, to make ammends
for what you believe, and who's your friend

and they will never understand what we're about
they just want to drag us down, and put us out

that night i could tell by the look in your eyes
you were gonna do something crazy, and not apologize
it's been hard to fight this war
to wait this long, and still be strong
but you, you comprehend
the difference between mice and men
and that's why, we act this way
we don't pull any punches with what we say

and they will never understand what we're about
they just want to drag us down, and put us out

(bridge)
being right never got anybody nowhere
looking down on those who frown
will just make you remember the ones who got you there
say what you might, but we will never get what we're looking for
i am too strong to turn myself into a whore
where does that leave us? what are we to do?
we mostly stand around, and stare at our shoes
cause it's easier to write things off
than to kill 'em where they stand, and breathe the dust
we will never follow suite
we load our guns, but will not shoot
cause blood is hard to clean
and the message they will never glean




i think all the songs i write are bleak. but then again, it seems real bleak out here to me.

[jerryjg]

Heres my song i wrote today. Its Called "LAtina Katrina". Thats all I have , a title-I couldnt think of any lyrics. I dont want to use "Blew me away", thats been done.I dont wanna use latrin-a either. Someone can have this, its not copyrighted. How bout ...."my Latina Katrina,she tossed me around , i tried to avoid her, head for higher ground, ....dark black hair and light green eyes, like a ray of sun through dark and stormy skies , Latina Katrina, dont you leave me stranded ,clawing for survival when your rain clouds have disbanded...some sh#T like that.

[NeoFauve]

http://www.jeffreypepperrodgers.com/songwriting.htm

I've been cleaning out the book shelf lately, tossing lots of magazines.
I found this article about "Editing Your Songs."
Some good advice.
Thought it might be of use to some of us.

[KevinWaide]

I didn't know this thread was around. Thanks for dredging it up. I've been a fountain for the last year, with song after song just pouring out. I think I've written like 16 since this past February. Here's one of my favorites. I wrote this sitting at the bar at Hooter's in Memphis, TN. :-) Just 2 chords: A7 and D9. It's got a half-time beat that just sorta grooves. It's also a crowd favorite.

Just My Luck © 2006 Big Dreams Productions

My life is not my own
To do with as I please
Fate has got the cruelest jokes
She likes to play on me
I've dreamed of you a thousand times
Before the day we met
Now my dreams, they haunt my waking hours
Too many things left unsaid

I don't know, but I've been told
If you ever slow down you die
But running after you is something I can't do
Girl, you're making me lose my mind
I want to hold you all night long
Want to feel you in my arms
Wake up in the morning light
Get lost inside your charms

Don't know how much longer I can
Hold on to this dream
Every time I think about it, girl
It makes me want to scream
I need a hint from you
Can't you see I need a sign
I'm tired of all this run-around
Tired of you being so unkind

So, baby, give us just one chance
You've got to find a way
Do you ever think about me
I think of you both night and day
Baby, just one kiss from you could
Turn my life around
Call me up
Whenever you're feeling down

[guitars247]

Nobody is doing any songwriting? Hmmmmmm....let's get this thread back up and running again....

Here is one I wrote recently. Fire away with suggetions, comments, critiques, etc......

I Stand Alone
Copyright 2008 Loyd Van Horn

I don't know where I'm going,
but I'm sure I will.
Living on the breeze is part of the thrill.
Took too long to come down from the hill,
but I'm here.

Taking over the reins shouldn't be hard to do.
But life has a way of running from you.
Next thing you know you've been thrown into,
the fire.

Now I stand alone
Sowing these seeds I've sown.
Don't look away now.
I stand alone
Sowing these seeds I've sown.
Don't fall too far now.
Cause I stand alone.

I won't apologize for this light in my eyes
Don't ask for my patience so I won't have to lie
Long ago the world was yours and mine,
Now it's gone.
Too many words seem to be slipping away
We both know I shouldn't say them anyway.
The cold always seems to come when the day,
turns to night.

(repeat chorus)

All the walls that surround you seem too high to climb
Still you wonder what's on the other side
Try as I might I can't help you to find,
your way.
When the people you rely on have said their goodbyes
And you can't bring them back no matter how hard you try
What will you say when you don't know why,
I'm still there.


(repeat chorus)

Hope to have the demo online soon. More to come, I have had a creative explosion since August.

[guitars247]

And another.......

I Don't Know
Copyright © 2008 Loyd Van Horn

Walking through the crowd with all intentions
Of blowing away your mind
Looking for my redemption
Looking to make the time
But I don't know
Yeah I don't know

Saying the words I've wanted
Open my windows wide
Looks like the tables are turning
Looks like the time is right
But I don't know
Yeah I don't know

[chorus]
I just don't know
What to say
It wouldn't matter anyway
Cause I don't know how I feel
I just hope this moment is real
But I don't know
Yeah I don't know

Walking on the edge of all that's certain
And trying hard not to fall
Running from all that's a burden
And running straight into the wall
But I don't know
Yeah I don't know

Maybe this time can be different
Maybe I've figured it out
Maybe I'll get what I've wanted
Maybe tomorrow is now
But I don't know
Yeah I don't know

Repeat chorus

[guitars247]

Alright, this is something I have been struggling with for....well.....ever since I began writing songs.

The two I posted above represent the only two instances in the last 30 songs I have written of a complete and done song. The rest.....

- Have no chorus. Not that every song has to have a chorus, but surely one or two in your catalog should.....

- Have a verse or two and that's about it.....

- Have no lyrics at all, just music (either just chords and an arrangement, a guitar line/melody).

I keep everything in a nice little black book so that I can combine songs, re-write, add to, what have you.

Is there ever a time when you just move on when it comes to a song? Do you go back to it? Or are you fortunate enough to have it all laid out in front of you and you just act as a songwriting conduit.

I have had a few of those moments. Not many, but a few. Those are pretty cool......

[bonefish]

keep a shoe box full of stuff like that dude...periodically i go through it just to refresh my memory...usually nothing comes of it and i let it percolate a while longer, then outta the blue something'll jump outta my subconscious and voila! so be a pack rat's all i'm really saying.

come to think of it, that seems to be my primary writing technique...the three newest songs on my soundclick are perfect examples...they were all song fragments that had been floating around, in some case for years, 'till some divine spark triggered them into completion.

[guitars247]

it can be fun to take what was a song you were unhappy with and turn it into one you like.

I have songs where the verse started with one song, the chorus was from another and the melody line and chords were from something else.

I call it the Franken-song style of songwriting.....

[bonefish]

I gave you my heart (and you handed me my ass)

this hangover's dedicated to the one who broke my heart
made me see the lies i told myself right from the start
what i fool i was for thinkin' that i ever had a chance
i gave you my heart and you handed me my ass

three times i tried to give you what wasn't mine to share
three times you gave it back to me, i guess you just don't care
what a fool i was for thinkin' i ever had a chance
i gave you my heart and you handed me my ass

bridge: i found out the hard way some heartaches never heal
but at the bottom of a bottle they don't seem so ****ing real
thank you dear for showing me i never stood a chance
i gave you my heart and you handed me my ass

lead
repeat bridge

[Power_13]

*Stands up* Hi, I'm Power_13, and I have a problem.

The best example of this is probably from tonight. I was watching this BBC show where this guy is travelling around the Philippines. In Manila, one of the big cities, they have a cemetery where people live - they literally live in the big tombs of the rich families. Poorer people are sealed in these tiny vault-type things in a wall, and their families have to pay something like five dollars a year to keep them there. If they miss a payment, the bones are removed and the place is made available for someone else.

I got that funny giddy feeling where you've just stumbled upon The Best Song Idea Ever. Now I'm sat with an idea for a chorus (more of the ending of a verse) and a first verse that (1) needs a bit of work and (2) I'm sure is ripping off the melody from another song. Bugger.

And this is the most I've written in a long line of weekends.

(edit)
Getting a bit better...worked out the chords for the chorusy bit. At least now I can fit some sort of verse structure there and maybe get ideas off that.

[guitars247]

*Stands up* Hi, I'm Power_13, and I have a problem.

The best example of this is probably from tonight. I was watching this BBC show where this guy is travelling around the Philippines. In Manila, one of the big cities, they have a cemetery where people live - they literally live in the big tombs of the rich families. Poorer people are sealed in these tiny vault-type things in a wall, and their families have to pay something like five dollars a year to keep them there. If they miss a payment, the bones are removed and the place is made available for someone else.

I got that funny giddy feeling where you've just stumbled upon The Best Song Idea Ever. Now I'm sat with an idea for a chorus (more of the ending of a verse) and a first verse that (1) needs a bit of work and (2) I'm sure is ripping off the melody from another song. Bugger.

And this is the most I've written in a long line of weekends.

(edit)
Getting a bit better...worked out the chords for the chorusy bit. At least now I can fit some sort of verse structure there and maybe get ideas off that.

Let's hear some of it!

There is something darkly fascinating about people living in a tomb....and your family still having to pay rent for your bones even after you are dead and gone....sounds like a blues song in there somewhere.

I can hear George Thorogood now.....

"Undertaker asked my son. He said "Son, where's yo daddy's rent"

[bonefish]

in a similar vein, it's an historical fact that jack mccall, the assasin of wild bill hickock, was buried with the noose still around his neck...always thought there was a country song in there somewhere.

[Power_13]

Let's hear some of it!

There is something darkly fascinating about people living in a tomb....and your family still having to pay rent for your bones even after you are dead and gone....sounds like a blues song in there somewhere.

All I've got so far is the ends of the verses:
There between the tombs and rows of stones
In the city of the dead we made our home

With variations in the words depending on the verse. At the moment it seems like it's going to be about two brothers who leave the rice terraces in north Luzon and head to the capital Manila, one gets sick and dies, the other can't afford to keep the body in one of the "vaults". He ends up alone and far from anyone he knows.

Working on the verses, but not much there yet. Will update once I get somewhere.

[NeoFauve]

I take inspriation and guidance in whatever form it takes and from whatever source it might come from.

I saw these nuggets the other night, and couldn't help but think they'd be of use here.

Struggling with that initial spark of inspiration, and the frustration you may encounter.

and

Connecting sound with feeling, place, etc: what does what you're playing evoke?

[guitars247]

I frickin loved that episode because of those two clips....sums it all up.....

[Power_13]

Hope nobody minds me bringing this up again...no replies for a while, but it was only on the second page...

It's taken me about five years to finish this. Procrastination due to self confidence, unfamiliarity with the subject matter and general laziness.

I have a few notes for the next draft but want an external look on it (five years looking at bits of it, I may have missed a problem). It's acoustic folk based. Title is The Highwayman (not very original, I know )


They call him Henry Davies
He's a complicated man
With hunger in his heart and a pistol in his hand

He lost his job in eighteen-seven
And his wife in eighteen-ten
Now his son's his only family, the dark's his closest friend

In the evening he'd take his flintlock pistol from its case
And head out to the highways with a scarf across his face
Step out of the shadows as a stagecoach drew near
Raise his pistol and cry "stand and deliver"

In the spring of eighteen-fourteen
On the Great North Eastern Road
The heath was full of highwaymen and carts from which they stole

A traveller stole a rifle
From a Hounslow stable hand
To protect his purse and body from a lurking highwayman

He headed out that morning with a vow to do his worst
To any highwayman he came across and Henry was the first
He dind't even stop as he fired off a round
And left Henry laying wounded bleeding on the ground
He dragged himself home through fields of dirt and mud
With buckshot in his stomach and a lung full of blood
And later in the evening with his son by his side, Henry Davies died

(guitar solo here)

They call him Charlie Davies
He's a complicated man
Anger in his heart, his father's pistol in his hand
Steps out of the darkness
As he hears a cab draw near
Fires his father's gun and shouts "stand and deliver, sir"

[Power_13]

Redrafted the above (I've edited the post instead of posting it again), and just trying to finish up the first draft of this one...I wanted to try a twist on the "person far away from the object of their affections" theme, so I made it a ship's cartgrapher from ye olde days longing to return home. Yeah, probably already been done too, but what the hell The title is The Cartographer's Love Song.


Six hundred suns have sailed the sky
Gold in bright blue
Three thousand miles have passed me by
SInce I last saw you

I dream of the days we used to share
And I miss the long summer nights
Of wandering through fields and empty squares
And streets bathed in starlight

I'm just a drifter of these seas
A stranger in foreign lands
Sea charts and maps surrounding me
All measured by my own hands

Exploring these far and distant shores
And unknown borders
But one day these hands will guide me home
To familiar waters

Storms and sirens stand before my bow
Bearing souls of sailros lost at sea
But I would batten down these hatches and let my sails free
If it brought you closer to me

Some men are married to the waves
And bound by the ocean
Others are tethered to the chains
They can't bear to have broken
And some men are driven by the thrill
Of risk and adventure
But all that I long for are the hills
And streets I remmeber

And the stars that fill your sky with light
Are the same that cut the ocean gloom
And they'll guide me like a beacon on a path straight and true
Safely cross the sea back to you


And when this journey's over and I see your shores again
I'll walk barefoot for miles in your sand
And I'll find myself again where I stood years ago
And learnt to map the contours of your land

[Power_13]

I've messed about with some of the verses again. For a song about someone who finds themselves far from home and missing the place they grew up in, I didn't think the last verse conveyed the fondness for the place anywhere near well enough.

Here's an MP3.

[NeoFauve]

Speaking of songwriters...

American Masters: Carole King and James Taylor
On PBS right now, 'til 9:30PM EST.

Check your listings. It's bound to be on a again.

[treborillusion]

Building


My barn


In Soho


Ain't nobody


Gonna see me now


My headcase


Is like a staircase


It goes up and down

[treborillusion]

Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven I wrote bummed out about missing my friend Paloma, I call it;

El Paloma

Senseless sorrow to contour fore this morrow I explore sore weak and hollow
Haste traced in regret to keep my wallow fore your light I did follow before
Darkness consumed what was once bright now swallowed; Will I see her again? I dove strike:
Playing games of chance; Awarding chance to she; I repeat: Will I see her again?
I pray for a break in an escape I can borrow or take for free;
As I pull hairs that make me sneeze;
Watching TV looking for content that I like
and if it airs it'll be and if not -- It wasn't meant to be (just wasn't meant for me)
Faith can communicate in many ways; Filled with hope I cope grown radiant over this maiden laden
With joy fore delusions do toy and illusions deployed prove to destroy the weak and annoy;
Why?!
Why hath I put my faith into such garbage? Why can't love be planted?
Why must I be left alone upset and on my own I ask it,
God, is this thy plan thou has in mind? Do you remind me of blessings took for granted now departed to memory?
Am I to thank thee for a future of misery? Do I explore what the heart can endure? Or accept thy plan for me oh Lord!
Tossed forever and forever restored will restore me; Nevermore



This also proved to exercise/stretch/flex my lyric writing muscle 'as it were'.

[treborillusion]

Here, sing my song along to this;

WELCOME TO THE GHETTO




"Oh my God


We re-wrote this"





Welcome to the ghetto


We got what you need


We know every single dealer


So today we deal you weed


But if today you find I'm unkind


Then find the bitch who crossed me


You lookin' for some more to smoke


Yet nothin' comes for free





In the ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Now your ass is gonna, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, choke, choke


I, I wanna see that dick croak





Welcome to the ghetto


The ghetto where we blaze


The cops don't care


So we don't go so us dealers gotta raise


N' she's got a very nice ass


That's a nice ass to me


But that ass was in S.W.9


N' now we see Tweety


In the ghetto


Grief in Heath better let go


Let go, let, let, let go of me


Y'know... You just another fucker'ree





Welcome to the ghetto


Summers we live out on the street


We really don't give a fuck


At any sucker who brings their heat


N' it's all true what we say


Said I've seen it yesterday


Ricky was the king of Bricky


But then Shannel blew his ass away


(SND EFX: GUN SHOT X2)





In the ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Now your ass is gonna, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, choke, choke


I, I wanna see that dick croak





When they come, they come to, they come to bust my fun


My fun my fun my fun...


RAHHHHHHH...


...TID! (rarted)






You know how this life goes


It's death by me or an S.T.D


So why you wanna try


In the ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Now your ass is gonna, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, choke, choke


In the ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Watch her, her, her


Her from S.W.9


Ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Now your ass is gonna, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, ch, choke, choke


Only in the ghetto


Welcome to the ghetto


Now your ass is


Your ass is mine


Yeah

My own personal Welcome to the Jungle I wrote when I was 19.

[treborillusion]

Blue don't


Touch my


Green


Because


If I see you on


The street


Then I see you're on


My beat





Yeah


Fuck the law


Fuck the cops






Because a cop


Is a cop


And you know


We're all corrupt


But if you


Touch a cop


Then it's more than


Touching us





Trust


Fuck the law


Fuck the cops





Peace

[treborillusion]

I'm a Chav


I'm a Goth


I'm a Stoner


Can fuck off


I'm a bit of


Rough that's


From the street


I'm a Toff now


Can't you see





A Lesbian


Of the town


With the biggest


Gun around

[treborillusion]

FLICKING THE BEAN





I'm just


A pervert


From the


Circus


The light's


Bright now


When it's


Night out


Women


Find our


Perfect


Hideout


From the


Crowd now


Too many eyes


Have seen





That I'm so


Damn good


You twist


Flicking the bean

[Gravity Jim]

A link to a Soundclouded recording of a song I wrote and recorded. Mostly I'm showing off the sound of my new Fuchs amp (the guitar shows up eventually). Hope you like it.

https://soundcloud.com/jim-bordner/so-damn-blue

PS: I won't apologize for the Steely Dan thing. That's just what happened to me.

[DanTheBluesMan]

A link to a Soundclouded recording of a song I wrote and recorded. Mostly I'm showing off the sound of my new Fuchs amp (the guitar shows up eventually). Hope you like it.

https://soundcloud.com/jim-bordner/so-damn-blue

PS: I won't apologize for the Steely Dan thing. That's just what happened to me.

No need to apologize about the Steely Dan to me, I also listened to freighters' worth of them back in the day. I had been a fan since their first album and to this day Aja is still one of the best albums ever and I've yet to hear anything that surpasses it nor do I expect to.

Oh, yeah, the guitar part is just kicking in. Thanks, I didn't need any amplifier GAS, thank you very much

[Gravity Jim]

No need to apologize about the Steely Dan to me, I also listened to freighters' worth of them back in the day. I had been a fan since their first album and to this day Aja is still one of the best albums ever and I've yet to hear anything that surpasses it nor do I expect to.

Oh, yeah, the guitar part is just kicking in. Thanks, I didn't need any amplifier GAS, thank you very much

Thanks for listening, Dan!