What I've learned watching daytime TV

[Old Ranger]

As most of ya'll know I'm sorta an sickly old guy that stays home. In doing so, I've been watching TV some. Now I have no satellite or cable, just a cheap digital antenna stuck up in the air some. I get, on a good day when the atmosphere is good, about 15 to 20 channels. But here's the important part of all this. What I've learned from watching and the commercials they present. Here's my observations of them. Very informative and educational!

1. All old people need life insurance. It appears that none of us old folks have it. Old people are dropping like flies and none have insurance. And Alex Trebeck is telling us that it's more affordable than ever. Now who can argue with the dude from Jeopardy? Guess I'd better act fast on this one as I'm not getting any younger.... But who do I have left to give any money to? I'm the last of my line.

2. Our garden hoses all are junk. We need the new pocket hose thingie that starts out all shriveled up and when water is pumped through it, it pops out into a super hose! And when the watering is done, pull the plug and it shrivels up again into a tiny ball and even a child can manage it with ease. That's better than Viagra for your garden needs and all you do is turn on the water! Gotta get me one, even it nothing else than to watch it grow in seconds. Cooler than the Sea Monkeys we got as kids ordering from the Kellogg's box tops in the 50's. And ya don't have to wait 6 to 8 weeks for delivery and have your parents permission to order.

3. We can't pee worth a damn anymore. Catheters are for sale all over the TV these days and apparently no one can pee on their own now without a catheter from one of these sources. And they all talk about how the new devices glide easily over the skin and are less painful. Last time I saw one of those things being used it was far from being glided OVER skin. It was more like being inserted INTO a very sensitive organ! Be sure not to get your catheter order mixed up with the inflatable garden hose or you'll be in for a real exciting time.

4. All fat men are bald and have a mustache and goatee. In every commercial where a "large size dude" is on screen, he's always fat, bald, and has a mustache and goatee. Never fails what's being sold or advertized, if the guy's a might large, look for facial hair and nothing on top. Car salesmen are all like that... I'm so glad that I'm not overweight as it would then mean that I'd loose all my hair and grow it all on my chin.

5. No one had good skin. Everyone is covered with spots and zits! There are constant barrages of commercials for folks with lousy skin. Young folks, old folks, movie stars, rock stars, and athletes all have rotten skin and are dependent on the various creams, astringents, and elixirs being sold to keep them all clean faced and pretty. Apparently if these things were not available we'd all look like the Loc Ness Monster or that lizardman that Capt Kirk fought and blew up with a bamboo cannon on the old Star Trek. If Kirk had some of that skin grease he could have smeared some on lizardman and fixed his complexion making him a much happier lizardman. Then they could've been buds and bought new garden hoses or catheters together.

6. We all need to go to trade school. Doesn't matter if you're already a lawyer, doctor, photo journalist, or an astronaut. Doesn't matter WHAT you are NOW, you NEED to go to a trade school right this minute in order to receive the proper training in some trade to improve you. And you'll gain new friends that you can sit around an outside fire pit with to drink and laugh with others that went to the same school. You're a suck-egg-mule it you don't act now and enroll into a trade institute this very minute! Why I'm enrolling into a trade school right now to learn how to maintain medical records in the exciting field of the medical profession. I can't wait to meet hundreds of sick and diseased individuals to spread their germs and kill me!

So, in conclusion, I've been missing out on a lot of stuff! And I'm so glad to have learned these things so I may pass them along to my friends here at TFF! I look forward to hearing about your new jobs, your garden hose experience, how well you like your catheters, and your new found ultra clear skin!! Ain't TV wonderful?

[phantomman]

TV... Creating an entire nation of mindless drones...

+1000000!

First-order-of-magnitude cultural pollutant.

There's a reason the nitwits at the networks call their shows "programming".

Learn why and you'll never watch again.

[mike inwis]

I'm right there sitting on the couch too man. I can't afford cable anymore, or too cheap. TV is for crap, agree totally. Once in a while is a decent old movie but after the 57th time it's boring. Right on about life insurance, and all the sleazy lawyers trying to make a buck because the latest testosterone therapy now kills you. I could have told you to put racing fuel in an old car is a bad idea. You have company.

[ch willie]

One of the most prescient pieces of art is Roger Water's album Amused to Death. Listen to the lyrics. Even though it came out in the early 90s, it's still relevant to our connected world. It's among my favorite Pink Floyd actual and solo albums.

[S. Cane]

You see, I'm 35 and I stopped watching TV a good 18 years ago...

I am a cinema aficionado, I do watch movies a lot, especially the cult stuff, but television? I mean, talk shows, advertising, interviews, news? Not at all.

All commercial and inductive media... I read all the news I need on good and reliable sources on the internet and a couple written newspapers everyday. I have no patience for TV at all, either open signal or cable.

My TV is only for watching music videos and blu-rays.

[Old Ranger]

I remember as a young one when a television first appeared on the reservation. A large wooden cabinet with a semi-round grey glass bulb in the middle and knobs below. When the owner of the post turned it on the thing hummed for sometime then it showed tones of grey, white, and black streaks until he twisted some knobs. Then, as if by magic, a black and white image appeared. It was an indian with a full headdress war bonnet surrounded by circles. My great uncle said the circles were crosshairs from a whiteman's rifle scope and was a bad sign. But no matter, it was magic to me and we all thought that seeing the indian in the device was good. Shortly after, we saw boxing matches and shows with people doing strange things with the machine making laughter. I had seen my first sit-com.

Radio was around when I was a child, but the television was something new and wonderful. So forgive me if I still find some fascination in it. Though I remember commercials like those from Ipanna or Pepsodent toothpaste or from Alka Seltzer and such with far greater fondness than what I see now. The shows with people doing strange things go on, as does the laughter of many unseen from the box. It may not be almost round these days housed in big wooden cabinets, and can be as big a whole wall, but it still fascinates me. And now we have TV and movies in our phones that fit in the palm of our hand. What an amazing age we live in.

[phantomman]

Though I remember commercials like those from Ipanna or Pepsodent toothpaste or from Alka Seltzer and such with far greater fondness than what I see now.

LOLOL

Don't forget Brylcreem and Dinah Shore crooning about her Chevrolet.

[dirtdog]

Is Phil Donohue still on the air? Was my daytime staple during the college years!

Oh, and Blue Blockers....don't forget Blue Blockers...or was that overnight TV?

[smitty_p]

Don't forget the K-Tel Records and Tapes!

The best source for Abba compilation albums.

[Old Ranger]

I coulda gone a whole nuther decade without an Abba reference....
Now I got that crap in my head. The powers of autosuggestion via reference is real.
Thanks Smitty.... I'm gonna sneak into your house and stick straight pins in all your speaker wires.

[smitty_p]

Don't wait! This offer is good for a limited time only.

Operators are standing by.

Order your's today!

[Old Ranger]

And if you call in the next ten minutes we'll send you a second (whatever it is they're hustling) absolutely free. Just pay additional postage and handling fees and you'll receive a second one free!

And to think that folks actually do buy stuff like that too. Amazing. I was born at night, but it sure as hell wasn't last night! P.T. Barnum would not have found my company all that pleasant as I'm a real hard sell when I hear a hustler yappin'. More apt to throwin' 'em out into the street face first!

[mike inwis]

My first ten yrs or so I hadn't yet seen a color TV except visiting my grandfather who was into golf and green is sort of important I guess. My favorite shows were all B&W anyway so no big deal. I remember the Untouchables was cool as hell, and boxing was really big. Seeing Ali beat the snot out of some poor guy was always a good time. The variety shows were really good. There had to be a dozen at once in the early 60s. You see shows like Idol today and people think it's some great new concept. That's the oldest concept ever. The talent is basically free and it entertains millions. It's inexpensive to pay amateurs, if at all, and it stays fresh. After a while though you realize so many people have talent, what's the big deal. It's so contrived. They know exactly who is going to make it through to the next round, but they fake this drama like they can't make up their mind while so kid is up on stage waiting on national TV. Nothing is really new. The stuff now has all been done before, only better. You need to be a little older, but Carson was the coolest late night guy. Walter Cronkite doing the news; The Smother's brothers had bands like Cream ... they even called it the golden age, right? Sorry for the rant, but even the commercials are the same. Back in the day some guy would go off on his wife because he needed Anacin, or Hertz would put you in the driver's seat. Yup, all been done before. That has to be why it sucks so bad: it was done before, only better. OK -- I'll shut up, thanks, I feel better now.

[smitty_p]

Just for you, Ranger!

'Cuz I know you really want to see this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1ECr8sIj-w

[phantomman]

And if he tires of Swedish meatballs there's always this......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN4XpIbEY-Y

[Volumeknob]

I am ---lets call it "fortunate" in that my days are occupied and filled tolerating the upper management and making the children in the press room behave ---so I have not seen daytime tv in many years.....however, I did catch (while waiting on a tire repair) about 20 minutes of it a few weeks ago........it was the View or the Vibe or some thing....not sure.....but what I learned from daytime T.V. is this world is FOOOKED!

We need to pull the plug and reboot the experiment because it has gone horribly wrong.........

[S. Cane]

I remember as a young one when a television first appeared on the reservation. A large wooden cabinet with a semi-round grey glass bulb in the middle and knobs below. When the owner of the post turned it on the thing hummed for sometime then it showed tones of grey, white, and black streaks until he twisted some knobs. Then, as if by magic, a black and white image appeared. It was an indian with a full headdress war bonnet surrounded by circles. My great uncle said the circles were crosshairs from a whiteman's rifle scope and was a bad sign. But no matter, it was magic to me and we all thought that seeing the indian in the device was good. Shortly after, we saw boxing matches and shows with people doing strange things with the machine making laughter. I had seen my first sit-com.

Radio was around when I was a child, but the television was something new and wonderful. So forgive me if I still find some fascination in it. Though I remember commercials like those from Ipanna or Pepsodent toothpaste or from Alka Seltzer and such with far greater fondness than what I see now. The shows with people doing strange things go on, as does the laughter of many unseen from the box. It may not be almost round these days housed in big wooden cabinets, and can be as big a whole wall, but it still fascinates me. And now we have TV and movies in our phones that fit in the palm of our hand. What an amazing age we live in.

You see, older Brother: being a son of a dude about your age, I have my own fascination with TV.

My old man always tell stories just like you did in your post above, and I still see television as something special, but nowadays it is really impossible to watch it happily with a minimum of criticism...

[ch willie]

A man named Minow once called TV a "vast wasteland." I agree with him to a point. But there is some great TV these days, well filmed, written, and acted. I'm thinking of shows like Mad Men, Shameless, True Detective, and before that The Wire and the Sopranos. Lately I've been watching Modern Family--which is a great family show but not self-righteous--it always ends with the family supporting and loving each other. The writing is genius.

Keep in mind that I am a giant book nerd. I've always read the best that humans have written, though I go for some bad writing-good story stuff (thinking of the summer I read all the Lonesome Dove series)

But I think TV is as good as ever. Sure, there's shit all over the tube. But there are gems for the mind to do something with. I'm never a passive watcher. Rather, I watch TV and films with the same critical acumen that I use when I read books.

Of course, I grew up in the 60s, and some of the best shows were made then, shows that no one watches any more. I wish Dobie Gilis came on some channel, any channel...

[Old Ranger]

Well before TV we'd listen to the radio or play some of the records my mother had. In our place we had this big old Philco Radio and record player. Tube driven of course, and housed in a tall cabinet that appeared to be very dark stained maple. Had a single 10" speaker and the output transformer was attached to it. The turntable was on a spring mounted drawer that pulled out slowly on stiff rails and you could stack about four 78 RPMs on it or maybe five 33 1/3rd LPs. We had mostly 78's and few LP's but it was enough for us. We had the only record player among the dozen folks that lived in the area of our home (about five sq mi.). We could get about five or six stations to come in on a good day. And I remember hearing some stuff by Duane Eddy and thought I'd loose my mind. The rest of the music was provided by my mother with her upright piano that my father bought her with money he got catching and breaking mustangs from the prairie to the north. My mother could play the classics like a pro. She also had a stunning soprano voice that would make my father misty eyed to hear her. Must be where I get my attachment for classical music. Today I hear Celtic Woman and I get the same way and think of my mother.

The TV I spoke of earlier was at the trading post on the rez and none of us had one in our home. The owner of the post had his in the main area of the post and thought that it would attract more business. Too bad we were always broke, so we'd come in and sit around the TV until he'd run us kids off and give the rest his "evil eye" and then we'd all leave. And not buy nuthin'!

I had the best times of my life on the rez making 3 cents a bail hauling hay, or a whole dollar a day working at this guy's ranch two hours ride from home. But pissing off the old fart that ran the trading post was always a riot!